Today's colour is black. My sister will tell me that black is all colours, or is it the absence of all colour...or is that white??? Obviously she is the artist, I am not. My love of colour does not come from a technical knowledge of the colour spectrum, it comes from feeling. I feel colours. I see colours. If you were standing in front of me I would see and feel your colour. My colour today is black.
For someone who loves colour so much, for years I wore black. LOTS of black. I thought a was wearing black for it's renowned slimming effect, for edgy funk and tough girl image. But the truth is I hid in black. I hid away my colours. My energy for life. I was afraid that if I wore the sort of colours I felt, that I would not fit in or worse still, I would be laughed at. These things were very important to me at the time. Fitting in, being accepted. Even now, although I have come along way, I still hold back. Inside I am just a rainbow of colour, spinning and swirling and shining. I often feel completely false. My outside appearance betraying my inner being. It is a work in progress.
But today IS black. Numb. Still. Unsure. Hiding.
Today is my first Friday off with school back. I have taken Fridays off as a "me" day. Since my recent touch with life's fragility (more on that another day) I am attempting to achieve a life/work balance. However all it does it make me yearn for more time alone. It feels like a tease. Like "this is what you need, this is what you deserve, this is IT........but you only get a sneak preview. Better than nothing?? Not sure that it is. Like I said. Black.
However, now that I have this time. I am determined to be authentic in every moment of it. Take this blog for example. This is scary. But this is me. Today I am black, so be it.
For someone who loves colour so much, for years I wore black. LOTS of black. I thought a was wearing black for it's renowned slimming effect, for edgy funk and tough girl image. But the truth is I hid in black. I hid away my colours. My energy for life. I was afraid that if I wore the sort of colours I felt, that I would not fit in or worse still, I would be laughed at. These things were very important to me at the time. Fitting in, being accepted. Even now, although I have come along way, I still hold back. Inside I am just a rainbow of colour, spinning and swirling and shining. I often feel completely false. My outside appearance betraying my inner being. It is a work in progress.
But today IS black. Numb. Still. Unsure. Hiding.
Today is my first Friday off with school back. I have taken Fridays off as a "me" day. Since my recent touch with life's fragility (more on that another day) I am attempting to achieve a life/work balance. However all it does it make me yearn for more time alone. It feels like a tease. Like "this is what you need, this is what you deserve, this is IT........but you only get a sneak preview. Better than nothing?? Not sure that it is. Like I said. Black.
However, now that I have this time. I am determined to be authentic in every moment of it. Take this blog for example. This is scary. But this is me. Today I am black, so be it.
So very proud of you. Looking forward to reading your next installment. More than glad to see you moving forward in colour. I've seen how good you look in black, but OMG you look awesome in colour. Love you always, Lee. xxx
ReplyDeleteBlack is an excellent colour to hide in, and to delve into deep parts of ourselves. Use it.
ReplyDelete