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Four hours and counting.....



I found this piece of writing just now. I had completely forgotten that I had written it. It was quickly dashed out as I sat jammed into Virgin Flight VA something or rather...on my way to Bali. 
I feel the pain in this writing, however that pain is no longer present. Something has changed. I left something behind in Bali.

Whatever it was, I washed it away at the bottom of a thunderous waterfall, scrubbed it away in a ceremonial body scrub and massage, soothed it away with the sound of the ocean and the heart of friendship, breathed it away with pranayama and many, many, asanas.

I wish to share that piece of writing with you. Un-edited, raw. For all of you who have felt this particular pain...I wanted to let you know...you can be free of it.



 So here I am. Flying high. The earth is below. Clouds below. Nothing above.

It was my choice. NO not even. I was compelled. There was no choosing. At the time of booking this trip, money was an issue. As aways. But I was always going to be here. Hurtling towards Bali in a silver tube. For the next seven days it will be yoga, yoga yoga. Fours hours each day dedicated to my yoga practice. Let me tell you it is practice, and I am miles from making perfect, miles from barely capable.

I never imagined this journey and I certainly never imagined taking it solo. It has just happened. I have no expectations. I do have concerns. No, not with travelling, not with the food, the people or any other outside influence. Of course my concerns are purely personal and as always nonsensical.

As always it’s all about my body shape and weight. Oh god I can’t tell you how sick I am of it. Lobotomy. This must be the only cure! No…

All these slim strong yoga women and me. Hot country, cool pools, waterfalls, beauty and me. Am I going to sabotage this trip like so many before by my constant obsession about my human form.

My only plan is to try and let all that shit go. Just give up on it. Hands and heart to the sky. Please release me from this self made prison!!

Maybe that is why I am here. To finally have the time and space to “deal” with this crap once and for all. Or not.

Maybe I can finally get through to my original soul. Maybe I will find the answer to the years of self persecution, self sabotage. A whole eat pray love deal. Or not.

Maybe I will just sweat and struggle and feel like shit the whole time. Maybe I will separate myself from the other yogi’s and miss out experiencing the power of woman together in retreat. That sounds ok. Or maybe I will breathe and forget about my human form…for once and just be myself. Free. Or not.
 
I guess I will just have to wait and see. Touch down in four hours and counting….

 

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