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Should, Shouldn't Shush!



I should have written this long ago. I should have thought of this long ago. Should have listened, should have heard, should have followed through.

I am seeing my world differently now. Looking with new eyes. Eyes that are razor sharp and discerning.

To look objectively at ones’ life is difficult at first, however I have found the rewards far outweigh the awkwardness we feel at first.

Should. This is a word well-worn in my vocabulary.

I have learned that when I use the word should I am running in the opposite direction to my heart’s desire. I am saying NO to me. Talk to hand I have said. Not going there.

I want to write today, but I should spend time with my family. Why? Because if I don’t, I am selfish. I am unloving. I feel guilty. (I am less important. I am not worthy enough of my time)

I have been invited to a party, but I don’t really want to go. I am not anti-social and I love the people attending, I just want to do something else. Something that feels better to me at the time. I should go to the party. Why? Because it would be rude not too. Because people would think I am mean and unloving. I would be a bitch. That means I don’t love them or want to be their friend. I am afraid of what people would think. (I am less important, I am not as worthy as my friends)

I see a pattern here.


Sometimes my Shoulds are less obvious. I like to do things because I am kind. I believe it a kindness to help others (Even when I really need help myself, but always put others first). I believe that not letting someone down is important. (Even though I let myself down all the time) I support others to achieve their goals, encourage, inspire, motivate. (My time will come later) These are all good things…yes?

Also, I can hear their whispers and judgement on me, if I fail to follow through on my Shoulds.

But wait. I am deciding what the thoughts of others are. I am deciding how they will feel. I am dictating in my mind how events will play out. Surely by doing this I am denying their freedom to feel. To think. To react.??

I cannot control how others think. I cannot control their feelings and I surely cannot take them on as part of my own story. Weave them in to my life and wear them as my own cloak.

Perhaps the kindest thing to do here is to live a truly honest life. Un-mesh myself from my Shoulds and in doing so release others from my net of pretend. I am a kind person, I would never deliberately hurt someone, however how others react to my decisions is not in my control. It is in theirs.

I find this thought a bit frightening. Why do I need courage to just to be honest?

I think this would be freedom. I think this would be peace. I think this would be love.


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