Today I decided to crack open my art box. I’ve always loved
to draw; however, I have never devoted much time to it. Why? Mainly because of
the voices.
You guessed it; we are following on from the theme of last
week’s blog. Ego mind. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…
Art. I enjoy all forms of art, painting, drawing, sculpture,
printing, decoupage, even furniture restoring! I have tried my hand at most of
it. There is something etched inside me that yearns to create. I dream of
tapestry and weaving (tried that), fabric landscapes, tile mosaics (tried that
too) and mountains of paper iced with inks and liquid foils. (Inked it, drew
it, painted them)
However, whilst I have dabbled in most forms of art, I have
rarely completed any project I have started! I have collected every manner of
medium; pastels, pencils, acrylics, miles of fabric, wool, canvases and
literally every type of paper! These lay stacked and stashed waiting for my
attention. (A bit like my journals… blog post “Spiral Bound” …see a pattern of resistance
here?)
So, what happens? Why not finish? Why not start?
Self-sabotaging, self-criticising, self-judging Ego mind! If,
at my very first splash of colour, I can’t see the result in all its glorious glory…I’m
out. This is not impatience or the lack of dedication. This is the voice that
says “well that’s crap” straight out of the gate. This is the voice that whispers
at my shoulder, “Really? I thought you liked drawing?” The voice that
encourages me to give up while I can still save face. “You have good ideas,
just no talent. Give up now before you get hurt.”
And on it goes. The sole purpose of the Ego mind is to make
sure we don’t find peace. With peace now, Ego has no job.
Today I felt like drawing. I was scared. Scared to start,
scared to hear. I needed a tactic. I decided that instead of drawing I would
test-run some products. A review of sorts. Which pencil performed best, which
medium worked well. So clever of me…not drawing…assessing.
Ego mind had nothing. It wasn’t about me; it was about the
pastels. On I went. Just mark marking really and then I realised I felt
peaceful. Colours on my fingers, chalk on my cheek! When I was done with my ‘product
research’ I looked back at my pages…there on the page was a completed picture…not
the Mona Lisa, however I had been drawing and I was happy, relaxed, joyful even.
What now?
What if I draw to smell the oil pastels, paint to feel the
brush moving against parchment? What if weaving is about the sound of wool
against yarn and how it differs from silk against straw? These acts are pure
and present. Not focussed on outcome and not bound by right or wrong. No
judgement.
If I chose to block out Ego mind’s voice of uncertainty and
pre-determined failure what would happen? If I remain only in the absolute present…not
judging my past efforts (which no longer exist) or fearing an imagined future (which
does not yet exist), what would I find?
Would that be peace now?
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