Pastel Peace

Today I decided to crack open my art box. I’ve always loved to draw; however, I have never devoted much time to it. Why? Mainly because of the voices.

You guessed it; we are following on from the theme of last week’s blog. Ego mind. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…

Art. I enjoy all forms of art, painting, drawing, sculpture, printing, decoupage, even furniture restoring! I have tried my hand at most of it. There is something etched inside me that yearns to create. I dream of tapestry and weaving (tried that), fabric landscapes, tile mosaics (tried that too) and mountains of paper iced with inks and liquid foils. (Inked it, drew it, painted them)

However, whilst I have dabbled in most forms of art, I have rarely completed any project I have started! I have collected every manner of medium; pastels, pencils, acrylics, miles of fabric, wool, canvases and literally every type of paper! These lay stacked and stashed waiting for my attention. (A bit like my journals… blog post “Spiral Bound” …see a pattern of resistance here?)

So, what happens? Why not finish? Why not start?

Self-sabotaging, self-criticising, self-judging Ego mind! If, at my very first splash of colour, I can’t see the result in all its glorious glory…I’m out. This is not impatience or the lack of dedication. This is the voice that says “well that’s crap” straight out of the gate. This is the voice that whispers at my shoulder, “Really? I thought you liked drawing?” The voice that encourages me to give up while I can still save face. “You have good ideas, just no talent. Give up now before you get hurt.”

And on it goes. The sole purpose of the Ego mind is to make sure we don’t find peace. With peace now, Ego has no job.

Today I felt like drawing. I was scared. Scared to start, scared to hear. I needed a tactic. I decided that instead of drawing I would test-run some products. A review of sorts. Which pencil performed best, which medium worked well. So clever of me…not drawing…assessing.

Ego mind had nothing. It wasn’t about me; it was about the pastels. On I went. Just mark marking really and then I realised I felt peaceful. Colours on my fingers, chalk on my cheek! When I was done with my ‘product research’ I looked back at my pages…there on the page was a completed picture…not the Mona Lisa, however I had been drawing and I was happy, relaxed, joyful even.

What now?

What if I draw to smell the oil pastels, paint to feel the brush moving against parchment? What if weaving is about the sound of wool against yarn and how it differs from silk against straw? These acts are pure and present. Not focussed on outcome and not bound by right or wrong. No judgement.

If I chose to block out Ego mind’s voice of uncertainty and pre-determined failure what would happen? If I remain only in the absolute present…not judging my past efforts (which no longer exist) or fearing an imagined future (which does not yet exist), what would I find?

Would that be peace now?