Sinking

For days now, weeks maybe, I have been slowing sinking. The soft slowly moving sands of doubt, fear and guilt have been pulling me silently into the abyss. Anger and frustration have given way to uncertainty and feelings of hopelessness. What is it you want me to do? I ask outwardly and inwardly.

 

I have sacrificed. I have committed myself to a life of authenticity. This meant giving away the props and curtains of the stage I had made for myself. No more costumes to hide behind, no pretending. I would follow my heart. Truthfully. I would not work at a job I hated, just because I happened to be good at it. I would not dress in clothes that hid my personality, even though the clothes I choose are not fashionable or new. I would not do for others, simply because I felt it was my job to do so, or because that is what you do if you love someone. I would love myself first. I would take care of me the way I took care of others…unconditionally.

It felt good. No, not good…FANTASTIC! I could breathe.

 

No wonder I got cancer. The pressure of being everything to everyone. To be the best wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee. To be the caretaker, to pre-empt pitfalls and potholes for others, to keep everything in order and on track. I had no idea. I thought this was selfless and “good”, that “I was good”. I was wrong.

So I have been steering my ship in the direction of my hearts calling. There have been days when I have felt so powerful and purpose-filled that I have walked on water, divided the seas and delivered the loaves and fishes. Creative, energetic, excited and eager. So full of love and light I felt indestructible and confident that I could heal not only myself but all of humanity.

Although lately, somehow, I have run-a-ground. Come to a complete standstill on the rocky, treacherous shores of disappointment and feelings of failure. Money. Or the lack of it. Is money the root of all evil?

I sit wondering about this. How is it that doing what you love, pays so poorly? Why is it easier to follow a path that is inherently wrong? Why is it easier to work at a job that you hate, and receive a great pay, than give to the world your passion, whatever that may be? I have started applying for jobs. Jobs I can do and do well. Jobs that will kill my creativity. Stress me out. Jobs where employers will love me, my work ethic, my commitment. Jobs that are full on, heart suffocating, cancer causing. I apply and dread the phone call, knowing that I will actually get one of these jobs soon. Why is it that following this path is easier? It cannot be right. Surely not?

 

I feel like the world has it upside down, inside out and back to front.  I am only talking about the work we do for money. Life is full of so much joy and happiness. I am just finding it difficult to accept that I may need to be someone else, to curb my innate being, to go through the motions of a life less lived in order to pay the rent.

I know that this feeling will pass.  I have moments of defiance where I can feel my determination to stick at it. I am scared, however, that I will just resign myself to this numbing life, of working mindlessly for money to pay the bills.

Have you ever felt this way, or is it just me? I don’t want to give up on living my truth…but today I am sinking in the sand and just a little bit deeper than yesterday.